I’m sure with another model this would make a great photograph
I’m caught on the verge of adulthood, holding on by the last joint of my little finger
Ever more reluctant to fall because I know there’s no one waiting on the other side to help me
And yet, I know it’s time to take the plunge.

Some will crawl their way into your heart and rend your ventricles apart...

You crawled back into my mind this morning. It's funny. I hadn't thought about you in so long I actually froze in the middle of what I was doing. I remember when I couldn't go an hour without reaching for my phone about to call you. Has it really been so long? Eight months since we last saw each other? Was I really ever such a fool? I thought about the unlikeliness of our pairing. I thought about why I let it continue for so long. My usual immediate reaction is to chalk it up to the carelessness and rebellion of youth. You pissed off my parents. A LOT. You were much older than I was. I will admit I didn't have a good grasp on the repercussions of my actions at the age of 16. I didn't care that you were 20 and married. All I knew was that in the moments we were together, I could forget about school and my parents and escape into this little bubble of you, me, and our own little bubble on the beaches and back roads. I remember the rush of sneaking out in the middle of the night to you waiting outside my window. I pretended it was poetic and tragic and every cliche in the book. And when it finally all fell to pieces it came crashing down hard. It took a lot to finally realize you would do nothing but poison me, literally and metaphorically. I told myself I was weary of the runaround and the secrets and the drugs and the lying. I was making a half-assed attempt at trying to love myself instead of worrying how others felt about me. But as I was reflecting and remembering that first night, splashing in the river fully clothed and laughing our asses off, I smiled. Even though things broke off between us rather harshly, I'm glad I can still remember at least some parts of us fondly.
I don't really know where this came from. But I needed to get these words out. You were on my mind and I figured I'd put this out into the universe, in the small hope that you would find it. I hope you're doing well. I hope the baby is happy and healthy. And I hope things are better with your wife. Maybe some day we'll cross paths again. Maybe some day we can talk about what happened. Maybe I'll be able to stand tall and unwavering before you and say that I really am OK and I don't need to think about you anymore. What we had was raw and real and wonderful and powerful and abusive and beautiful. It was a time in my life that, despite the hardships and consequences, I wouldn't take back for anything.
But I'm turning over to a new chapter in my life. And I'm sorry, but you're just not in this one.

I need to stop caring so much about what people think about me. I need to stop this desperate crave for approval. It's always been there. I've never in my entire life been one of the "Popular Kids." I'm a firm believer that the things you were denied in youth are the things you seek in adulthood. So here I am 20 years old and pissed off cause I'm not one of the popular kids? I know I'm being irrational and immature, but I can't help it. It's weird. On the surface, everything is fine. But there's definitely an animosity brewing underneath the surface. I'm so tired of desperately trying to be everyone's friend.
It's funny, I like to pretend I have this facade. Like who I really am isn't this weak, blithering, vapid, shallow person that I've appeared to be. What's worse, pretending you're so much deeper than you act or being so terrified to let the deepness show all everyone knows is this giddy, idiotic girl. I'm so terrified of giving the wrong impression to people but I'm trying so hard to be something they're looking for in a person that I immediately become something I'm not. I'm wondering if that's why I feel so transient. I can't stick to one thing long enough to let it become a part of me. I've always felt like a placeholder, like the person you keep around til the person you're really meant to be close with comes along.
Well, that's it. I'm tired of being disposable. I'm tired of being the one cast aside. It's time to find some roots. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of growth. But I need to stop spending so much time worrying about whether or not I'm good enough for something and spend more time DOING it and living my life.

PS: To everyone who treated me like less than I deserved and I let them: FUCK YOU. I'm not doing it anymore.