You crawled back into my mind this morning. It's funny. I hadn't thought about you in so long I actually froze in the middle of what I was doing. I remember when I couldn't go an hour without reaching for my phone about to call you. Has it really been so long? Eight months since we last saw each other? Was I really ever such a fool? I thought about the unlikeliness of our pairing. I thought about why I let it continue for so long. My usual immediate reaction is to chalk it up to the carelessness and rebellion of youth. You pissed off my parents. A LOT. You were much older than I was. I will admit I didn't have a good grasp on the repercussions of my actions at the age of 16. I didn't care that you were 20 and married. All I knew was that in the moments we were together, I could forget about school and my parents and escape into this little bubble of you, me, and our own little bubble on the beaches and back roads. I remember the rush of sneaking out in the middle of the night to you waiting outside my window. I pretended it was poetic and tragic and every cliche in the book. And when it finally all fell to pieces it came crashing down hard. It took a lot to finally realize you would do nothing but poison me, literally and metaphorically. I told myself I was weary of the runaround and the secrets and the drugs and the lying. I was making a half-assed attempt at trying to love myself instead of worrying how others felt about me. But as I was reflecting and remembering that first night, splashing in the river fully clothed and laughing our asses off, I smiled. Even though things broke off between us rather harshly, I'm glad I can still remember at least some parts of us fondly.
I don't really know where this came from. But I needed to get these words out. You were on my mind and I figured I'd put this out into the universe, in the small hope that you would find it. I hope you're doing well. I hope the baby is happy and healthy. And I hope things are better with your wife. Maybe some day we'll cross paths again. Maybe some day we can talk about what happened. Maybe I'll be able to stand tall and unwavering before you and say that I really am OK and I don't need to think about you anymore. What we had was raw and real and wonderful and powerful and abusive and beautiful. It was a time in my life that, despite the hardships and consequences, I wouldn't take back for anything.
But I'm turning over to a new chapter in my life. And I'm sorry, but you're just not in this one.
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