I’m sure with another model this would make a great photograph
I’m caught on the verge of adulthood, holding on by the last joint of my little finger
Ever more reluctant to fall because I know there’s no one waiting on the other side to help me
And yet, I know it’s time to take the plunge.

Some will crawl their way into your heart and rend your ventricles apart...

You crawled back into my mind this morning. It's funny. I hadn't thought about you in so long I actually froze in the middle of what I was doing. I remember when I couldn't go an hour without reaching for my phone about to call you. Has it really been so long? Eight months since we last saw each other? Was I really ever such a fool? I thought about the unlikeliness of our pairing. I thought about why I let it continue for so long. My usual immediate reaction is to chalk it up to the carelessness and rebellion of youth. You pissed off my parents. A LOT. You were much older than I was. I will admit I didn't have a good grasp on the repercussions of my actions at the age of 16. I didn't care that you were 20 and married. All I knew was that in the moments we were together, I could forget about school and my parents and escape into this little bubble of you, me, and our own little bubble on the beaches and back roads. I remember the rush of sneaking out in the middle of the night to you waiting outside my window. I pretended it was poetic and tragic and every cliche in the book. And when it finally all fell to pieces it came crashing down hard. It took a lot to finally realize you would do nothing but poison me, literally and metaphorically. I told myself I was weary of the runaround and the secrets and the drugs and the lying. I was making a half-assed attempt at trying to love myself instead of worrying how others felt about me. But as I was reflecting and remembering that first night, splashing in the river fully clothed and laughing our asses off, I smiled. Even though things broke off between us rather harshly, I'm glad I can still remember at least some parts of us fondly.
I don't really know where this came from. But I needed to get these words out. You were on my mind and I figured I'd put this out into the universe, in the small hope that you would find it. I hope you're doing well. I hope the baby is happy and healthy. And I hope things are better with your wife. Maybe some day we'll cross paths again. Maybe some day we can talk about what happened. Maybe I'll be able to stand tall and unwavering before you and say that I really am OK and I don't need to think about you anymore. What we had was raw and real and wonderful and powerful and abusive and beautiful. It was a time in my life that, despite the hardships and consequences, I wouldn't take back for anything.
But I'm turning over to a new chapter in my life. And I'm sorry, but you're just not in this one.

I need to stop caring so much about what people think about me. I need to stop this desperate crave for approval. It's always been there. I've never in my entire life been one of the "Popular Kids." I'm a firm believer that the things you were denied in youth are the things you seek in adulthood. So here I am 20 years old and pissed off cause I'm not one of the popular kids? I know I'm being irrational and immature, but I can't help it. It's weird. On the surface, everything is fine. But there's definitely an animosity brewing underneath the surface. I'm so tired of desperately trying to be everyone's friend.
It's funny, I like to pretend I have this facade. Like who I really am isn't this weak, blithering, vapid, shallow person that I've appeared to be. What's worse, pretending you're so much deeper than you act or being so terrified to let the deepness show all everyone knows is this giddy, idiotic girl. I'm so terrified of giving the wrong impression to people but I'm trying so hard to be something they're looking for in a person that I immediately become something I'm not. I'm wondering if that's why I feel so transient. I can't stick to one thing long enough to let it become a part of me. I've always felt like a placeholder, like the person you keep around til the person you're really meant to be close with comes along.
Well, that's it. I'm tired of being disposable. I'm tired of being the one cast aside. It's time to find some roots. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of growth. But I need to stop spending so much time worrying about whether or not I'm good enough for something and spend more time DOING it and living my life.

PS: To everyone who treated me like less than I deserved and I let them: FUCK YOU. I'm not doing it anymore.

I want to be brave enough to tell. I want to say it before the bile strangles the words back down my throat. I want the fear that courses through me to just fucking stop. Intimate touch is completely negated by absolute terror. My mind tells me it was so long ago, that logically, I shouldn't even be able to remember it. I've tried so hard to rid myself of the scars that lie beyond the physical. But really, it's been the greatest struggle I've ever had to overcome. And the words aren't going to come easy. It replays in my head over and over again. It was the point in my life that brought everything I knew about the world to a screeching halt. I stopped believing that anything had sense or purpose. Since then I've feigned this idealism and hoped that maybe something would come along and change my mind. I haven't lost hope yet, but I'm starting to question the current social scene. Will we make the strides that need to happen? I don't know. I'm all over the place mentally. I have been for the past few days. Getting through this week will be helpful, even though I'm not going to be able to see Erik, because he has to go straight home after school. The next time I'll be able to see him unless he comes down during the summer is in the beginning of July. Six months? Seriously uncool. OK before the randomness becomes too much I'm going to post this.

Kerry

Wow. All of this introspective thought has caused me to come to a lot of conclusions. I've finally pinpointed when in my life I suddenly became paralyzed to take a chance on anything in my life. After this point, I closed myself up to the thought that my decisions really mattered as far as what happened to me. I became cynical. I thought to myself, "Well, there's always that one fuckup in the group. Maybe that's just me." I thought I was destined to be a cautionary tale. I still kind of think that, sometimes. Most of my life, no one really expected anything of me. So I didn't really expect anything of myself. Now I'm in school and actually doing something with my life and it feels like there are people waiting for me to fail. Or it almost feels like I'm setting myself up for failure. I really don't know. There's a lot stirring around in my brain right now, not just the whole major thing. It's a secret that I've been struggling with for a long time. But of course I'm paralyzed by the fear of what everyone else thinks of me. And it would probably mean more change than I need right now.

You know, it's taking a lot to not just pack up and move to California and get a new identity. Actually, yeah there is. But still. A fresh start sounds really nice right now.

Identity Crisis? Maybe?

Yesterday was an amazing day. I went to Moss Park with Ken and he showed me how to use his awesome Nikon camera so that I could have some nice pictures for my lighting journal. I was having so much fun composing pictures and capturing light that I finally realized, this is the most fun I've had in a long time. So much so, that it really got me thinking. Is show production really what I want to do with my life? I've always loved music and theater and live shows. And I've always loved art in any and all forms I love making it, I love looking at it. I just love art. And I'm having a huge struggle with whether or not my love for art supersedes my love for music. Music has always been there for me even in the worst times. It was my outlet for so much of the shit I've been through and has helped shaped me into the person I am today. I'm not a good enough musician to bring my own music out into the world, but I always thought that through producing live sound that I could bring music to others and help them shape who they are and who they want to be. Lighting had it's potential but electricity scares the bejeesus out of me. And I found a school that did what I wanted to do and allowed me to get out and do it in a shorter time than if I had gone to a 4-year university.
But here's my complication: Recently (in the past year or so) I've been getting into things like photography and photo manipulation and digital art. But music was still my first love. I came to school here at Full Sail and was told by someone that I didn't look like I belonged in Show Pro. I thought to myself, "How DARE you make a split-second decision like that when you don't even KNOW me?" But as I got further and further into Show Pro I realized I didn't quite click with everyone like all of the other people in the class do. In fact, at certain times I felt flat-out excluded simply because they didn't feel I had the knowledge they do. But I just figured I was being paranoid. But at this point the people I talked to a lot in the beginning don't talk to me anymore. And when they do talk to me I get this condescending feeling. Like an, "I've done more shit than you so that means I know everything" kind of deal. And honestly, having to deal with people like that makes me want to switch but it also makes me want to tough it out and prove them wrong. But do I stick with something that isn't making me as happy as I think I could be? I really don't know. I always tell everyone to follow their heart. It's something I've believed ever since I heard that phrase. But it's hard to follow something that isn't sure what direction it wants to go to begin with. Music or Art? Art or Music? If money was no object I'd finish the associate's and go on for my Bachelors in Digital Arts and Design. But that's just another goddamn cog in the ticking clock that's slowly becoming a bomb that's going to blow up in my face.
At lab the other day the instructor said he really liked my chase sequence. Yesterday Ken said he really liked my pictures. What did I feel better about? The pictures. And it's always been that way. I'm proud of my art. But does that mean I'm not proud of my sound mixes and lighting plots? No. But I'm still wandering among the ventricles of my heart, trying to figure it out.

I need a weekend. No laptop. No phone. Just a notebook. I've reached technological overload and need to do some soul searching.

So this is my first blog. Well... it's not my first blog EVER. But this is my first blog on my NEW blog, as persuaded to make by Ken. (Trust me, his stuff is cooler. http://www.kenmillerblog.com.) I'm Kerry. I go to school in Florida. And I fucking love it. I'm going for Show Production and Touring at Full Sail University. It's definitely been a rough ride so far and I've had my doubts as to whether or not I could handle it. But I'm here right now and that's really all that matters. I'm trying to take things one day at a time. And I think my day today is coming to a close. After I study for my lighting test that is. :P

Kerry

Oh and I promise I'll post some things of substance later.