Wow. All of this introspective thought has caused me to come to a lot of conclusions. I've finally pinpointed when in my life I suddenly became paralyzed to take a chance on anything in my life. After this point, I closed myself up to the thought that my decisions really mattered as far as what happened to me. I became cynical. I thought to myself, "Well, there's always that one fuckup in the group. Maybe that's just me." I thought I was destined to be a cautionary tale. I still kind of think that, sometimes. Most of my life, no one really expected anything of me. So I didn't really expect anything of myself. Now I'm in school and actually doing something with my life and it feels like there are people waiting for me to fail. Or it almost feels like I'm setting myself up for failure. I really don't know. There's a lot stirring around in my brain right now, not just the whole major thing. It's a secret that I've been struggling with for a long time. But of course I'm paralyzed by the fear of what everyone else thinks of me. And it would probably mean more change than I need right now.

You know, it's taking a lot to not just pack up and move to California and get a new identity. Actually, yeah there is. But still. A fresh start sounds really nice right now.